Grammar help please. 10 points for the best advice. Thank you?

Please find enclosed a research paper submitted as a Public Budgeting semester project to the faculty of Bowie State University in 2007 entitled ';Review and Performance Analysis of the HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons with Aids) Program as Administered through HUD (U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development)';. The enclosed version is an abridged version, condensed and summarized for this important application.





I would also like to express my deepest gratitude for taking time from your busy schedules to review my application. I am very interested in meeting with you for an interview to express in person my sincere interest. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me by phone ..or by e-mail...





Thank you very much again for your time and consideration.





Respectfully yours,





HopeGrammar help please. 10 points for the best advice. Thank you?
Here's your letter rewritten with grammar corrections...





Please find enclosed a research paper submitted as a Public Budgeting semester project to the faculty of Bowie State University in 2007. The paper is found entitled ';Review and Performance Analysis of the HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons with Aids) Program as Administered through HUD (U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development)';. The enclosed version is an abridged interpretation, which has been condensed and summarized for this important application.





I would also like to express my deepest gratitude to you, for taking the time from your busy schedules to review my application. I am very interested in meeting with you for an interview to express, in person, my sincere interest. If you have any questions, or require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me, either by telephone or email.





Thank you once again for your time and consideration.





Yours sincerely,





Hope





I hope that helps!!





Eva xGrammar help please. 10 points for the best advice. Thank you?
General points:


1) How does the research paper relate to this application? Might want to explain it's relevance? Such as ';This paper reflects similar work to that done at your company, and I feel it is an accurate representation of the quality I can provide.';


2) A formal greeting may be nice. Sometimes ';To whom it may concern'; seems impersonal. If it's a specific person it would work to say ';Dear Mr. XXXX.';


3) The ';...'; towards the end seems to informal


4) The new wording below reflects my assumptions: that this is an application for a first job right out of college. I removed some items that seemed redundant or distracting from the intent of your letter. First paragraph is ';business only'; then the second paragraph expresses the gratitude.





~~~~





Mr. XYZ,





Please find enclosed a research paper entitled ';Review and Performance Analysis of the HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons with AIDS) Program as Administered through HUD (U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development)';. This paper was submitted to the faculty of Bowie State University in 2007 as a Public Budgeting semester project. The enclosed version is an abridged version, condensed and summarized for this application.





I would like to express my gratitude for the time from your busy schedules to review my application. I am very interested in meeting with you for an interview to learn more from you and to discuss my qualifications in person. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at any time.





Thank you again for your time and consideration.





Respectfully yours,





Hope


222-555-1234


hope@mail.com
Functional grammar issue: ... you for an interview to express in ... Missing a link of some kind.





Better:


... interview, so that I may [have an opportunity to] convey to you my sincere interest [in this position], in person.





(Formal English can be wordy sometimes, can't it?)


Paragraph break before ';If you have any questions.';





Punctuation, and slightly awkward:


- Thank you very much again for your time and consideration.





Better:





- Thank you, again, for your time and consideration.
just a few suggestions, your title should have the long name then the abbreviations in (). so ';Review and Performance Analysis of the Housing Opportunities for Persons with Aids (HOPWA) Program as Administered through U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development.





I would take out the next line ';the enclosed version..'; and just have ';abridged'; included in the first sentence.'





there's a lot of 'sucking up' in this, so i'd cut down on that a little.


sounds good, good luck!