Writing sample for job. 10 points for the best advice. Thank you?

I applied for a program officer (Women empowerment)position as the Asia Foundation. They asked me to submit a writing sample. I would like to do this. What do you think? Please advice...





This is an attachment of Hope鈥檚 writing sample, Review and Performance Analysis of the HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons with Aids) Program as Administered through HUD (U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development). The research paper was submitted as a Public Budgeting course semester project to the faculty of Bowie State University in 2007. The research paper was originally 25 pages. For your convenience, I have revised and summarized it into 5 pages.





I also would like to Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to review my application. I am very interested in meeting with you for an interview once the final decisions are made regarding this position. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me by phone or via e-mail...





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Thank you for helping!Writing sample for job. 10 points for the best advice. Thank you?
Here are my edits:





Please find enclosed a research paper submitted as a Public Budgeting semester project to the faculty of Bowie State University in 2007 entitled ';Review and Performance Analysis of the HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for Persons with Aids) Program as Administered through HUD (U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development)';. The enclosed version is an abridged version, condensed and summarized for this important application.





I would also like to express my deepest gratitude for taking time from your busy schedules to review my application. I am very interested in meeting with you for an interview to express in person my sincere interest. If you havae any questions, please feel free to contact me . . .





Hope you like my version. I think it is a bit cleaner.Writing sample for job. 10 points for the best advice. Thank you?
Well i read u question, u done a good job, if u work hard u will get it. and one more thing u said u research paper was originally 25 pages, and u said that u r CONVINCING ( don't use this word ) to read 5 papers, OK, how u r sending, if by mail then give a link of original papers, by sending post then get a recognized gazette signature on it. I think it is better.
remove only 4 words: ';I would like to'; (from Paragraph 2)





why? because it's redundant, as you have already done what you'd like.





By the way...EXCELLENT!!!





Your passion and worth radiate well in the piece. You shine, girl! Ignore the canned advice others will give you. Leave your artistry alone...YOU SHINE, already!


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