Blind-A draft PLEASE comment, Ten points for best advice!?

Blind





The world blurs you,


The words tumble into imaginary slips,


The eyes off other wander through your story


The mice scavenge through the pipes.


Once again you are lost.


Once more trapped in an equator of black.


Once it has tipped none can et back in.


Once flown, now lost.


But calmness and serenity are usless.


But again there are problems.


But there is no light n this.


But hope is gone.


pen your mouth.


Open your ears.


Open your hand.


Open your eyes.


What do you see?





I know, my poems are........unique, but I would like your comments and advice. I believe there is always room for improvement :) Btw, I WILL NOT change my style of writing, this is how I write, in my own way.銆€Asnyways, when you read this, what image do you get?Blind-A draft PLEASE comment, Ten points for best advice!?
i like how you use the first word over and over and use it in a different context every time. and when i read your poem, i kinda think that you keep on losing something. like it sometimes is in reach, and you want to reach it, but you feel as though there is resistance is on the other side. you don't want the other side to resist; you want it to just know you are there. but at the same time, when the other side sees you you don't know how it is going to react and you are afraid of the outcome. very deep!! and by the way, great poem!! i wouldn't change your style at all!! it fits you perfectly. =))Blind-A draft PLEASE comment, Ten points for best advice!?
i like the repetitive format. To answer your question, it seems that the persona is stuck in the sewer (mice through the pipes, an equatorial line of darkness). These are the tangible parts of your poem so far, aside from mouth, ears, hand and eyes.